By request from a listener who called up like “I need a transcript of the 3pm Dirty Laundry”

Good sir, I grant your wish, because I? I am an attention whore and the idea that someone would want my hackwork saved for posterity on the vast expanse of the intertrons? It tickles me. Tickles me delightedly. DeLICIOUSly, even. So here you go. 

The Headline: Blagojevich: How can I be ousted on allegations? Rod Blagojevich, the senator who got caught on tape trying to sell Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder, testified at his impeachment hearing, stating that his impeachment would set a dangerous and chilling precedent if it went forward. “Not only would it be dangerous, it would be chilling” said Blagojevich, “and that is a combination that is both frightening and chilly, and also, if I may, quite risky, and more than a little nippy.” Blagojevich further went on to say “I will not give up. I am here to fight for the citizens of Illinois, primarily me, as I am a citizen of illinois and I like my job and I’m pretty important. I don’t know if anyone told you. I have really fabulous hair. People routinely tell me how good I look.” and then, in an example of classic defense strategies as employed by the likes of world renowned lawyers and adjudicators like Judge Harry Anderson and Matlock A. Matlock, Attorney at Matlock, he said “You know who you should go after? Rahm Emanuel. Yunno why? Because he’s mean.” The hearings paused for a second to consider whether Rahm Emanuel was the one with really fabulous hair caught on tape trying to sell Obama’s seat. He was not. I’m not sure that angle will be pursued. Probably because Rahm will simply de-throat anyone continuing to pursue it, and cook the throaty meat into a very tasty hoagie style sandwich.

The Headline: Elizabeth Hasselbeck of the View is pregnant again. I don’t even know who this person is. I’m guessing it’s the blond idiot from the show full of cackling yentas and the black chick with no Eyebrows from that One Star Trek where Professor Xavier from X-Men sat around and got migraines all day long. She’s the one that’s like a Bratz Doll version of Ann Coulter, right? Anyway, this was the 2nd headline on the AP Wire today, so that sorta forces me into reporting on it because it’s apparently legitimate news. Some blond wingnut with all the IQ of a goddamned rock was smart enough to bake baby batter into a living, mouthbreathing, non-contributing member of stupidity. I woudn’t say society, because the fact this cross-eyed blow-up doll is actually having children makes me fear for actual society, where sociable people know how to socialize intelligently, and whatever spawn will come shooting out of her clown car will not belong to society, but instead, to a culture of vapid stupidity, of which this cackling chickenhead is practically queen. This is her third baby with former Arizona Cardinals meatsack Tim Hasselbeck, who apparently was hit in the head a lot. “We are thankful for this blessing and we will be practicing our zone defense strategy immediately” said Hasselbeck. This reporter can only hope the strategy includes taking a sock, some mortar, and a garden trowel, plugging her hole with the sock, and sealing the maw with the trowel/mortar combo.